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Commitment (or not to commit...)

June 1, 2017

It always seems strange to me that I find commitments so intimidating. Is it the fear of failing to meet those commitments? The worry of letting others down? Of letting myself down? Of tempting fate to reach out and teach me the foolhardiness of presuming to make plans ~ as if I am in control of anything whatsoever?

 

Control is an illusion, right?

 

I do like to be in control. I know that I can't control everything, every eventuality, but with adequate logic applied, research done, serious thought given, then surely we can have some degree of belief that it will work out as intended ~ with enough faith to make the leap to commit?

 

My husband and I have been talking about taking a cruise since the last one ~ five years ago. Work, family needs (including a mother with Alzheimer's), health concerns...they've all conspired to give me enough doubt to keep me from pressing that cruise commitment button. Why now? Because a year ago I left my day job to write fulltime. I wrote more, and faster, in the past year than I ever have because I was meeting deadlines (commitments, LOL) to my publisher. I made those deadlines, but it threw any pretense of work-life balance into a tizzy. I was grateful for the opportunities, and glad to have met them, but I wasn't having fun. If I didn't want to have fun, I could've stayed at the day job. Yep.

 

So, I pressed the commitment button and hubby and I are cruising for our upcoming anniversary in early June. We'll be enjoying the New England/Canada cruise with Holland America. I had doubts. Reasons not to go: 1) worrying about leaving Mom for a week and a half, 2) A new release, Clair: Beach Brides Series due out two days after our return home for which I should be marketing, and 3) general anxiety (which proves I really do need to get away). Additionally, it was five years ago now that I had surgery for colon cancer. It worked out very well, but there's some part of my psyche that is reliving the emotional and physical trauma from that.

 

So, when I weighed the reasons not to commit, mostly I saw fear of what-if's. When I weighed the reasons to take the leap, I saw one main reason: Why not?

 

So we're going. Something could interfere between now and embarkation - I can't control life - but I'll take that risk...especially since I bought trip cancellation insurance and we updated our wills. Just in case. After all, we're not kids and stuff could happen.....LOL.

 

P.S. Live now. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed and it's likely to change your life without prior notice.

 

 

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